Day 140: Mixing Day

The official mold mixing implement.
Note the dead moth, which succumbed to the smell.


I take a deep breath...


...and plunge the mixer beyond the crusty top layer.


Bluaahhhgghh.
I feel like that moth right now.


Hmmm. There's lots of solid bread still.


Spinning the nastiness off the mixer.


Smell test: Loads of unhappiness.

Yeasty Entertainment

The yeast is waiting to eat.
The molasses and water are in the pot.


I'm adding the mixture to the yeast.
Yes, I'm pouring and snapping the photo at the same time.
I can also drink and fall down at the same time. Sweet.


Shake violently to piss off the yeast cells.


One hour later.
The yeast cells are pissed.


Edgy photo from a highly creative drunk.

Maybe I should explain this now. This gunk is a Belgian Ale yeast strain that LaTuFu scraped out of the bottom of his fermenter. Apparently, he kept the beer for future use. The first time I talked to him about his donation, my only concern was the transportation. I used to brew beer, so I was worried that the yeast would continue doing the yeast thing during the trip, and build up so much pressure, the container would blow and UPS would then stand for Uber-Pissed Shipper. Or something like that.

A few days later, LaTuFu said the yeast was behaving in his fridge, and that he would overnight it to me with an ice pack inside to help keep the temperature down. UPS delivers most overnight packages by 10:30a, and I don't get off work until 1p. Normally, I can catch the ground-shipment driver (Dennis) as he makes his 3:30p stop at the Office Depot near my house. But like most people, I have two UPS drivers, and I don't know the air-package guy or his route. Before I left for work Thursday morning, I taped a note to my door, telling the driver I would NEVER be able to get the package from him because of my schedule. I asked him to call me with a place I could meet him later in the day, and I would take the package of his hands.

I got home at 1:30p. There was an InfoNotice on my door, and it said the next delivery time would be before 10:30a the next day (Friday). As if my note never existed. My first call was leaving a message for Pledge Glen, to tell him he's been wasting my time and that he doesn't need to call me anymore. I said a few more choice things, but you don't need to be exposed to that much ugliness. Pledge Glen would end up depledging and that generated an assload of drama, but that's another story.

You have to understand something about me: I'm a very busy person, and inefficiency irritates me sometimes. Especially when it comes from stupid people. And since I'm also hyper, I will sometimes entertain myself by going on Personal Quests to get things done. Knowing that, my second call was to UPS to find out where the driver was. I somehow got around the automated system and got a human (Shandra, I think she said), and sweet-talked her into contacting the dispatcher for my area. The dispatcher's name is Charles, and he called me back at 3:20p. I told him I was sitting in front of Office Depot waiting for Dennis, on the off-chance some miracle occurred between my two drivers. Nope. He said Travis had my package, and that Travis would meet me at the Cumberland UPS store down the street from my house at 6p. And by the way... I now have Charles' direct line. Sweet.

Notice all the names I'm throwing out. That's because when you go on Personal Quests, you need to keep all names and all phone numbers. Trust me.

5:55p. I go into the UPS Store and ask the owner (Tom) if Travis has been in yet because he has a package of mine. Tom looks confused and asks who Travis is. See? This is what makes a Quest a Quest. It never ends.

5:56p. Tom says his 6p pick-up guy is Greg, and Greg is in back getting packages. Tom calls Greg up to the front. Greg tells me that he doesn't deliver to my area, and someone else has my package. I tell him Travis has my pacakge, but Greg doesn't know Travis, and doesn't know Travis' route.

5:59p. Greg calls Dispatcher Charles and Charles starts making calls. Greg gives Charles my number again, and I run back out to the car to get ready to bolt out of the parking lot. Travis has already been working 10 hours, and I have no idea if his 6p stop is his last stop.

6:05p. I get a hold of Charles. He says I was supposed to meet Travis at the Cumberland BOULEVARD location, which ended up being about three miles away. He asks me if I know where that store is, and I tell him no. I start up the car and start driving in that general direction while he finds the store and talks to Travis.

6:08p. Charles tells me that from what he can tell, the UPS Store on Cumberland Blvd is near a Quiktrip and a Panda Express. Those happen to be on Spring Road, and that intersection SUCKS during rush hour. Have you ever been stuck at an intersection and seen people who walk faster than you're driving? Yeah, that's it. Charles says I have five minutes.

6:09p. My hasher sense kicks in. I make a couple quick turns to take a back road to the area, and then pull into the back parking lot of the hotel that's next to Panda Express. I jump out of the car, and can HEAR the traffic. I jump a wood barricade, climb a small pine-straw hill and cut across the Panda parking lot. Weaving between idling cars, I run across Spring Road to Quiktrip, cut across THAT parking lot and then start running up Cumberland Blvd. The store is down this street somewhere. You might be asking yourself why I'm doing all this. Because I CAN. And I WILL get this damn package.

6:12p. I find the sign up the street. I weave between more idling cars and cut across one more parking lot.

6:13p. I meet Travis. He hands me a box that smells like beer. I tell him my story, and he explains why he didn't deal with my note. Apparently, he had 30 overnight packages to deliver in about 75 minutes this morning, and "didn't have time." I had the box in my hand, so the No Harm No Foul rule kicked in. Travis drives out of the parking lot and I walk back to the car. Right before I climb down the pine straw hill near my truck, I look back at the intersection. Travis is sitting there, idling in traffic with everyone else.

OK, that's the story. Check the pictures to get the rest.

May the Hash Get a Piece

Ear Shot's Suggestion

So what happens when a Guest Donor suggests stirring up the mix?


You find utensils to do the job.


Actually, screw the kitchen implements.
How about a power drill and this pro mixer?
To be continued...

LaTuFu's Donation

The box, my bad-ass box cutter and my lubricant.
Full story: later.
Smell test: beer.


Shot: gone
Beer: gulp
Box: open


Beer: another gulp
Box: damp
Bubble wrap: messy


The ice pack and messy container.
I love beer.


Container is free from bubble wrap.
More beer is free from the bottle.


Container is still full.
Beer is empty.


Yeast is poured into new bottle.
More bourbon is poured into shot glass.


LaTuFu's mess is temporarily outside with:
1. Containers
2. Ear Shot's cardboard box
3. A lot of Georgia pollen


The second shot of bourbon is now gone.
The shot glass and the beer bottle now contain water.
The water will mix with the yeast soon.
The molasses will mix with the yeast soon.
Things will then happen which will require an update.
Did I mention I just pounded three drinks?
Hey, LaTuFu... I no longer hate you.

Day 137

Smell test: Way way way rank. Wow.



The final pre-shipment pic from Guest Donor #2.

This is Getting Interesting

I got these pics through e-mail this afternoon. Another brilliantly motivated donor is sending me something that's Bib Mix Worthy. I've decided not to give out any details until I get the product; sort of like what happened with the Feta Goo. I will give you one hint: when I explain all this, I will also be retracting a statement I made yesterday. Check back in the middle of next week for an update.

Sex with Food

This is also a Day 131 photo, but it was close to dark at the time I took it. This was a 3-second exposure without a tripod. Sorry. I took this because I needed to announce the crap that's below, but I've been told never to have text at the top of the site. Now for the news:

I just Googled "Sex with Food" (in quotes) and came up empty. Then I Yahoo'd it. Nothing. Then I MSN'd it and guess what came up on the first page of returns?

The World According to LaTuFu

That's because of his recent entry that DESCRIBED THIS SITE. Hey LaTuFu, I hate you. By the way, I finally came up in the returns, but it was on the fourth page. Then I decided to go to the ultimate search engine for scary stuff: http://blogsearch.google.com The second most popular result? LaTuFu's. Hey LaTuFu, did I mention I hate you?

But I was third, so that's cool. Maybe if I add a couple more "Sex with Food" lines, I'll be good.
Sex with Food
Food Porn
I Love Sex with Food
I Love Food Porn
Prom from Hell Sex with Food
Prom from Hell Food Porn
Carolina Trash Sex with Food
Carolina Trash Food Porn
CTrH3 Sex with Food
CTrH3 Food Porn
"Sex with Food"
"Food Porn"

If you don't understand what the hell I'm talking about, please go here:
http://bibmix.blogspot.com/2006/03/qa-with-lf.html

=========================================


[Update: 9 May 06 - Google is finally listing me for "Sex with Food." On page 32. I'm in the 300's, people. I hate everyone.]

[Update: 8 May 06 - #13 on Yahoo. Hell yeah. But wait... Ear Shot just put "Sex with Food" on his site multiple times just to spite me, and entered the charts at #8 on Google. I hate everyone.]

[Update: 1 May 06 - I am the #6 return on MSN for "Sex with Food."
Yahoo refuses to acknowledge my heinous trickery.]

[Update: 22 April 05 - I'm now #1 on Google's Blogsearch for "Sex with Food."]

Day 131

Half and Half smell test: GAG

It was about time I paid attention to the "other" container. Nothing much was happening to it, so I decided to take the nasty half and half I had purchased for our Black Sheep Campout last month and pour it in. The top photo is of me pouring in the last of the really skanky stuff. The bottom photo is what the container looked like with everything in it.

This entry is dedicated to Josh, who is the Fraternity President who has graciously allowed the Trash to torture one of his pledges. Hey Josh: half and half is one of the tamest products in the mix. Check out the other pictures and the ingredients page for a better overview. Don't tell Glen about any of this until you talk to me or Sextion 8. We have interesting ways of explaining to pledges what the bib mix is all about.

Thank you sir,

Mister Lost & Fucked

Day 128

Check out the bottom of the second picture. Part of the feta goo has turned into an interesting pattern of mold.

Update

The teaser page for Ear Shot's donation has been upated with all four pictures of the Feta Goo before he mailed it. It appears to have morphed while in transit.

http://bibmix.blogspot.com/2006/03/next-one-in-line.html

Humbly,
-The Mold Nerd

Day 123

We've decided that this looks like someone ejaculated on a chicken tender.

Ear Shot's Donation

A big thank you goes out to Ear Shot, who is our first donor.
The ingredient: FETA GOO.

The unopened box and my wicked-cool box cutter.

Bubble wrap is an excellent way to protect rotting food.

The pretty packaging hides the nastiness inside.

Much tape keeps the festering feta and funk from escaping.

Smell test: rather unpleasant, but not overpowering.

The rubbery, gooey mass up close. Notice the mold.

Day 118

Holy crizzap. Check out what happened to the meat. It sat out in the heat for 6 days and got a little skanky.

The mold on the side of the container is from a meat chunk.

You've got to love this lighting. These are outdoor shots, late in the day, with the flash off.

This is the toast. Er... what's left of it.

Here's a total bad-ass closeup of the toast. The light-brown mold looks like yeast. And check out that orangish mold at the top of the photo.